My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My vagina is very pro this idea
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
