Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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