My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
