I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
