I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
