Four minutes until I can fart!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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