Well apparently he's into motor boating.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
