What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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