I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
