I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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