I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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