Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
