Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
