New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize