i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
