I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
