Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
barbara walters just said penis...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
