just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
