oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
