Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
