We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
