I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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