I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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