I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I did not marry a roomba.
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