Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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