I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
