Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
