And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize