K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Randomize
