Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
