someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
