remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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