Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
