it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize