the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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