I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
