ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
