She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
