I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
