you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
