I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize