I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
