i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize