Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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