Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just had sex on a roof
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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