i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
