My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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