When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
