walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
