I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
