A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize