Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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