PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
