Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We just shotgunned beers for America
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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