i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
